What am I doing here?
What is the purpose of this blog?
Recently, suspicious as I am, I thought I felt the presence of prying eyes. One may have picked up on a downright snarky tone. (No, Really?) And it got me thinking about why I’m here. Why I decided to start writing here and who this blog is for.
I always journaled growing up. Always. All the time. I still have “My First Diary”, it’s up in the far reaches of my hall closet, beyond a virtual library-closetful of spiral notebooks. My very first entry was scribbled in 1981, three short sentences about our very first family parakeet. We got a parakeet. He is blue. His name is Mr. Peck.
I journaled regularly throughout college. I always gravitated to my journal when things got tough, a way to organize and draw connections between all of the racing thoughts and ideas that stream through my head. Things would settle and the journaling would taper off, but it picked back up when things got hard and worth a good thinking-on. I’m glad I did it for as many years as I did. But then, I stopped.
I don’t know if it’s that I was comfortable enough that I didn’t feel the need to journal for a long time, nearly the entire time I was with Love Bomb (excluding the time I was in Seattle for 9 months). It’s too bad, it would have been such an ideal time to journal -or blog- as I struggled through infertility. I’ve always found that putting it all out there on paper helped me sort through the sometimes hypomanic thoughts and reasonings as to why and how I’m hurting, struggling, growing, learning, forgiving, reaching out and letting go. When I found myself at my very lowest point this past summer, I went straight to a Rite Aid to buy a 1-subject, college ruled spiral notebook – the BEST kind of journal. It’s blue.
This past summer, I spent hours upon hours frantically journaling – perched awkwardly on the steering wheel of the car, on the couch at J&J’s, on the back patio, and of course, in bed before
falling crying myself to sleep. The words poured out, sometimes just fleeting thoughts or ideas at a time, scribbles, bullet points and arrows swirled the edges of the page that I hoped I could figure out, like shorthand in college, sometime later.
Blogging really sort of hit the scene in the early 2000’s. So I’m like, a decade and a half late, but I feel like blogging is just sort of a graduation to how modern journaling is done. I can use the remaining storage in the hall closet for typical hall closet things like paper towels and reusable shopping bags without having to store more journals, which, if it wasn’t clear, take up a significant amount of space.
Do I sense a question from the peanut gallery? Why not toss the old journals? Well, part of me would feel defeated; I mean, I’ve carried them with me this long, since I was 6, why part with them now? I have the closet space. Besides, they contain my entire life’s story.
Despite the fact that there’s nothing wrong with just having a diary blog, I also feel like there needs to be a bigger purpose to my ramblings. Like, blogging shouldn’t be just my personal come-to-jesus moments. There could be an audience beyond myself and although there’s sure to be some snark, I don’t want my blog to be one big bitch-fest! I’d like it to be relatable, perhaps even capable of helping someone who’s struggling with an ugly breakup/divorce someday.
Beyond all of that, I’m using this blog to improve my writing skills. Shorthand blurbs, swirly arrows and exclamation points driven deep into the page help my mind to unravel, but don’t improve skills. I admire expressive writing, and I’d like to get better at it. You only improve by doing it. So, why not here? Besides, I type faster than I scribble.
Lastly, I’ve decided to keep the blog public for now. It’s for no one but me, and I can’t figure out why anyone I know would come across it. I don’t know if any of the views/visitors I’ve had so far know me, nor do I know how anyone would come across it. Honestly, I’m not even certain of the difference between a view and a visitor. Which reminds me, I also need to figure out how to insert photos into an entry.
I’ve changed most names in the interest of privacy, with the purposeful exception of Kevin, who can bite me. Publishing my entries forces me to be fully vulnerable, and work harder to actually resolve problems, rather than just ruminate on them. I will continue to think about my “target audience” and how I can relate this blog to something more than just, well, bitching and drawing conclusions.
Got an idea? Let me know in the comments if you like. While you’re here, could you tell me how to insert pictures into the body of my entries? I look forward to streamlining this forum into something useful to someone beyond myself. In the meantime, enjoy the bitch-fest!