Leaving: when you gotta go, you gotta go. Bonus content: Dating app fails

I was supposed to go on a date last night. I chickened out and cancelled.

It’s the first date with a boy I’ve arranged. Somehow, meeting a guy for the first time feels more scary and less comfortable than when meeting a girl. Not that I’ve met up with a lot of girls. Uh, just one … we “went out” three times: once out to lunch, once to her place for brunch (the only one who really seemed interested in humping me was her bulldog), and once, we went out for a couple’s massage (oolala). There was flirting, there were innuendos, there were even suggestive photos, but nothing physical happened beyond exchanging hugs hello and goodbye. That’s probably just as well – she is polyamorous and looking for a “unicorn”. I’ve learned recently that the unicorn is the third party in an established poly relationship. Intriguing, but not what I’m looking for, I didn’t feel the required chemistry, and honestly, she scares me a lil bit with her experience and openness.

Guess what? I figured out how to insert pictures all on my own … a little click here, a little click there, ta-da! Pictures. Here are a few screenshots of the type of people I seem to attract on dating apps.

Enjoy…

Example No. 1creepy 1

“Fine, thank you. You look like a serial killer!”

Example No. 2creepy 3

These sorts of messages, unfortunately, are more the norm than the exception. He would be right, lots of people inquire about this. Unicorns are IN, and quite popular. Alas, I am not a Unicorn.

Example No. 3creepy 2

Newsflash: If your profile includes a shirtless bathroom selfie, I’m definitely not interested. Is that belly-button lint??

That, friends, is what it’s like to be in the dating scene these days. Not pretty, no? Nope.

This is not going to be easy.

I’ll do my research. I won’t settle for less than everything. I can check out as many as I like for as long as I like.

Love bomb, on the other hand, literally jumped on the first vulnerable girl she could smother; a girl who “needs fixing” – something Love Bomb LOVES in a partner, she’ll be the first to tell you she’s a “fixer” in all means of ways. New girl, I imagine, must have felt desperate for affection and validation, living with her soon-to-be ex-husband for a year (or so, I certainly don’t know the dates). They bonded over broken relationships. Doesn’t strike me as healthy, but hey, when you’re fucking desperate …

“Don’t expect two storms to meet and create anything less than an epic disaster.” (-Britt Powers)

Less than a year in, they’re infatuated, I know, but will it last? And if it does last, will that be because they felt they had something to prove? I was the original “flash in the pan”. Nearly 19 years, and it’s possible that our relationship was little more than a “I’ll show you” response, long expired. Love Bomb explained it in her Dear John letter -that there were many occasions we might have chosen to break up over the years but she stuck it out because she had to “prove them wrong” – all those family and friends who warned her , “It’ll never last”. Soooo, we stayed together out of spite and a dogmatic need to be ‘right’?! That’s a shitty fucking reason to hold someone down. And should there be ANY question, I don’t fantasize about their demise because I have desire to have Love Bomb back,  I just think it would be awesome if she actually got a taste of how if feels to be the one left alone, to have her efforts be regarded as “futile and weird”, to go on because there’s no other choice.

For all the times she could have left, or thought maybe she should have left, it’s funny, I can’t remember one time prior to April 2017 that I had any inkling that Love Bomb might consider leaving. If anyone was ever anxious to leave, it was always me.

Leaving. If I were journaling in a spiral notebook, I’d be drawing a fat arrow right now tracing back to the last text from Love Bomb, “The only way I could change was to leave. The only reason you even consider[ed] hard work is because we ended. I[t] had to in order to move forward”. I figure they’re just typos, but the little goal posts [..] indicate what was actually typed. If you think I’ve misinterpreted the translation, let me know in the comments.  🙂

So, a couple of things:

1. She didn’t “leave”. She sought out and seduced someone else, ensuring her coupled status would remain, as always, unchanged. Never to struggle alone, she couldn’t leave me until she replaced me. That’s the order of things when you’re the Love Bomb and things get difficult.

2. I not only considered, but single-handedly started the hard work because I felt we were worth it, but she was already long gone. She cheated not just physically, but more importantly, emotionally with a new partner and never considered the hard work at all, not for one second. She just wanted to “have fun”. That sounds ridiculous coming from an adult, especially the Love Bomb I used to know. In those moments, she had not only fallen out of love, she was cruel and mean in ways I’d never seen from her and I wondered who she was. Sort of like how it felt when Kevin gave me the suicide directive (aka: gofuckyourself) it felt like, how can a person be so mean to someone they used to love? I did a terrible thing, (if you’re new, sorry, you’re gonna have to keep up) a meaningless, disrespectful, uber-selfish thing, but it was never about hurting anyone. It was about nostalgia and sperm. She, on the other hand, wanted to hurt me. And she did.

3. Recap, since you’ve been reading a while: “I[t] had to in order to move forward”. As written with “it”, I can’t figure out how that would make sense. “It” had to be considered? Or, “I” had to … had to what? I had to cheat/remove/replace in order to move forward? I had to end it in order to move forward? Either are crap. She’s not moving forward, she’s regressing, running from problems with her house and the associated crap she’s acquired in nearly 30 years in one home (walk away, leave said crap for someone else to deal with), running from problems with money (hello, Bankruptcy, how long has it been, old chap?), running from a long-term relationship that hit a downright ugly patch (disengage, change gears, redirect).

And why wouldn’t she run? For someone who considers herself to be unlucky, I just don’t see it. She never even mourned the loss of our relationship, she simply disengaged, changed gears, and redirected all of her time and attention to someone else. I know knew her so well, I could tell something was wrong, like, the day it happened. I went back and took screenshots of our texts over the entire month of April sometime in May when the shit was really going down. I wanted to see if I could put my finger on when everything went wrong. There was an invite to go out for drinks with the other managers, April .. (I’m not up for looking at it, but it was right around the 10th) and she was excited to go. I encouraged her, said to have a good time. She was thereafter impossible to reach and didn’t come home until 2am. It was just a couple of days before, on April 6, that Love Bomb and New Girl had their first .. God, what do I call it? Romantic Interaction? Infatuation Confession? Whatever it was <gag>, 2am became Love Bomb’s usual come-home time, that is, when she came home at all. And I let it happen because I simply could not fathom that she was cheating on me, if not with her body, then certainly with her mind in anticipation of initiating another virgin U-Haul Lesbian.

Love Bomb had reasons to leave, but stuck it out for alllll of my beautiful, fertile years because she had something to prove. And when the shit really got sticky, she didn’t leave so much as she wrapped herself up in the affections (and gifts) of another, never to endure the humbling pain and loneliness I’ve had the pleasure of surviving the past 9 months.

If she needed to leave, she should have left. If you gotta go, you gotta go. If it was more complicated than that, she should have taken me to counseling, not the bedroom. Yes, I know it was more complicated than that, and I’ll accept my fair share of blame. I should have insisted on therapy in October. I was ashamed and embarrassed to admit my dirty deeds to anyone other than Love Bomb, especially if she didn’t seem to want to press the issue. God, for a good several weeks/couple of months I actually thought my affair improved our relationship! (Can you say, “naïve”?) Looking back at that time I think, of COURSE you needed to go to a couple’s counselor! What’s the matter with you? I knew it somewhere inside, but you know, I resigned to being in this relationship for 18+ years and I got too comfortable. I felt wholly, utterly and completely safe. I lived with my best friend, and although sexual contact had become somewhat of a rarity, it just didn’t even occur to me that she could would go out and find someone else.

It happened so quickly. And with someone she used to dislike, even dread working with.

Well, nothing is happening quickly on my end, but there is a new message from the guy I canceled on yesterday … he wants to know how I’m feeling. Feeling much better, C., whoever you are. Maybe we’ll try again this weekend. I have a birthday coming up.

 

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