A first for everything. Valentines.

In honor of the first Valentine’s Day I’ll be sharing with only my cat, I shall now present lyrics to just some of the songs I’ve been known to play on repeat as I’ve rolled into a fetal ball over the course of the last 9 months.

Anything in italics is an additional insert by Yours Truly.

Oh, and if you just aren’t into lyrics right now, feel free to scroll. There’s more. (But these are really good songs, yo.)


Youtube video: Hate Me

Blue October
Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you will you never call again
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for three (six) whole months
It’s one accomplishment that you (never) helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your brown eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling, “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then I whispered, “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you


Youtube video: Million Years Ago

Adele
Million Years Ago

I only wanted to have fun
Learning to fly learning to run
I let my heart decide the way
When I was young
Deep down I must have always known
That this would be inevitable
To earn my stripes I’d have to pay
And bare my soul

I know I’m not the only one
Who regrets the things they’ve done
Sometimes I just feel it’s only me
Who can’t stand the reflection that they see
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother, I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago

When I walk around all of the streets
Where I grew up and found my feet
They can’t look me in the eye
It’s like they’re scared of me
I try to think of things to say
Like a joke or a memory
But they don’t recognize me now
In the light of day

I know I’m not the only one
Who regrets the things they’ve done
Sometimes I just feel it’s only me
Who never became who they thought they’d be
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother, I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago
A million years ago


Youtube video: You Oughta Know

Alanis Morrisette
You Oughta Know

I want you to know that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
A younger version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theater
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn’t able to make it enough for you to be open wide
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me until you died
Till you died, but you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well
Things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well
I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Ms. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I’m not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

So I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know


Nearly a year of solitary firsts, check.

God, I hope this is the last of the intensely painful stuff, at least for this first year. Fortunately, I don’t anticipate that President’s Day or Easter will be heart-wrecking in the way that Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day have been.

My friend Kim assures me, “you’ll get your own firsts” but it doesn’t really cushion the blow. Don’t get me wrong, because I’m all for having my own firsts with someone special, but I continue to wonder … why is it that Love Bomb is somehow exempt from these feelings of loss, loneliness, and jealousy? My firsts won’t bother her; she won’t pay no nevermind. Only I must struggle through holidays and, uh, everything alone. How does she get away that?

Must be nice. And I guess that’s the point.

Must be nice to be you. (@secondtongue)

It’s like a game only she gets to win.

img_5798
@kaitlyn.n.lentulo

Love. I’ll wait for it. I’ll be ready for it. And this stupid Hallmark Holiday won’t matter for shit. The love that’s coming will be celebrated every damn day.

That’ll do, Valentine’s Day 2018. That’ll do.

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