That hurt

That time I sang to her, she laughed at me, told me we’d talk “tomorrow”, and then never came home.

What I assume was their first date, while I was working, to Great Falls in the Corvette. We weren’t broken up yet, and I just had to bear it.

The day she told me she didn’t want to text “miss you” with me anymore.

Footsies, and her admission that she thought I was “someone else”.

The way she ate her fucking toast as I cried in the driveway trying to drive away .. and Daphne’s expression through the glass door as I finally did it.

When, at my most vulnerable, Kevin told me to “fuck off” but invited them to the wedding.

“… [Love Bomb’s] life before you was a dog’s breakfast”. Kevin to new girl, in engagement present display.

Hey ’19

Put down the Holiday cookie and pick up the Bubbly, it’s 2019, yo.

On the surface, last year might seem to have been rather uneventful: I didn’t score one solitary kiss (insert sad face). I didn’t change jobs or move. I didn’t travel anywhere new or particularly exciting. Beyond the surface though, while 2017 was a year of destruction, 2018 concludes a year of healing.

So, what does 2019 have in store?

Growth. That’s what. How do I know? Because I will make it so…

It would have been easy to rush back to Seattle after the breakup of 2017 (Gads, has it really been that long?). I have a remarkably sensitive fight or flight instinct (hello, I usually faint), but I recognized on some level that running away from the situation was not the “adult” thing to do at the wise age of 43. And so, I stayed.

After a summer of shacking up with friends, I finally found a lovely condo for rent – it was perfect for me – a starting block for building a new life. I hesitated to unpack because memories; it took a solid 9 months before I really started to make the space my own by putting things on the wall and otherwise decorating. Of course, now I’m rather obsessed with decor and figure I should have been an Interior Designer, even my Myers-Briggs agrees! I love keeping my little space tidy and welcoming; no more hoarding, I toss trinkets and trash away without a second thought. Turns out, I’m a bit of a minimalist, preferring to live wholly within my means.

The house I shared with Love Bomb was a metaphor for the disrepair in our relationship. Unfinished and never-started projects overwhelmed us – a missing wall here, an unfinished wall there, peeling tiles, crumbling driveway, a missing section of cabinetry in the kitchen, wonky gates, a falling-down shed, uh, make that two falling-down sheds, mold and bugs. We were, for lack of a better term, STUCK. We both needed to get out from under that house, but we couldn’t do it together. It’s still hard to believe that Love Bomb just walked away from it after all those many years, but I suppose she needed to leave as much as I did. Her leaving was financial. Mine was, well, mine was because I was kicked out asked to leave, but also because I could not heal or grow in that house as it fell apart all around me. No one could.

2018, you taught me how to be kind to myself and to always be honest with myself. You taught me how to be alone. You taught me that staying in one place when all you want to do is run is cathartic, grounding, and necessary. And now, still raw from all that healing, I look forward to 2019. Here are some things on the agenda:

  1. Libby’s wedding, September.
  2. I’ve signed up for Foster Care classes – the human variety – and hope to take all 13 courses by year’s end. Bring me a baby.
  3. I’m considering purchasing a condo or duplex. Prices are already rising with Amazon’s pending arrival, so now is a good time to invest. Perhaps a 2-bedroom so there’s room for a kiddo, should one arrive at my door.
  4. I’d like to apply for Tuft’s MS in Animals and Public Policy (again), but I’m not sure THIS is the year. I can/should study for the GRE in the meantime.
  5. A move out of state isn’t out of the question if the right opportunity were to arise. (Part of me still yearns to leave.)
  6. Non-dairy vegetarianism. Ok, I can admit that I’m unlikely to ever give up my beloved half & half, but other than that, I look forward to continuing my focus on a more humane lifestyle. Got a good cream substitute? Let me know in the comments.

2019, I look forward to all the promise you hold. Can we arrange for a kiss in 2019?