Beginning. For me, it started at 42 years old. It started when my world crumbled around me, and I scrambled to make it right, but my efforts were “futile and weird” – straight from the horse’s mouth. I was duped and I was dumped, after 19 years and not so much as a real conversation. She did the official duty with a “Dear John” letter. I didn’t understand how she could do that to me, despite the fact that this is HOW she leaves people, time and time again: I’m not the first, nor the second to be replaced before the parting. I should have seen this coming… But I didn’t, and now 5 months later, I’m still shocked and hollow just thinking about it. I scan Instagram for hashtags and sentiments that indicate that I’m not alone in my struggle, that this sort of pain isn’t unique to me: “You must understand that those who left you suddenly did not leave so suddenly at all. Their goodbye was the end of their mourning, and the beginning of yours.” – Lauren Eden via ofyesteryear, Instagram.
We did nearly everything together. Why couldn’t we figure this out? Perhaps the better question is, why would you want to?? Here’s the rub: we hadn’t been happy in quite some time. “Good marriages don’t end in divorce”, George Carlin. The past few years, in particular, had been stagnant and downright annoying. I was annoyed, like, all the time. I didn’t want to talk with her anymore, it all just seemed so .. mundane. She spoke to me as if I was one of her 20 year-old employees, directed me around, explained how to do things and when to do them, as if I didn’t know. From feeding the animals to loading the dishwasher, I always felt like she wanted me to improve upon day-to-day trivialities, but it wasn’t about improving ME, it was just about doing things the way she wanted them to be done. She’s been a manager for as long as I’ve known her, but I didn’t want her to manage me. I wanted a partner who didn’t expect or want me to be her mirror-image.
There was room for improvement. And for what it’s worth, I’m doing it now.
She has moved along to a new lover, never to be alone for a damn second, and I’m here working working working on improving. It’s fucking hard. I understand why she’s avoided it forrrr … her whole life. I’m told it will all be worth it, someday.
This blog really isn’t about her, despite my rambling. It’s about me, my growth, my progress. I am working to be a better person because it’s not too late. I am not a lost cause. Apparently, I needed a firm push out the door … unfortunately, that was quite literal, as she sat there on the couch and ate her damn toast. So impressionable, I guess the girlfriend must enjoy toast, lots of alcohol and pineapple … those are the things I noticed changing right away. Well, that and the fact that my partner just stopped fucking coming home at night, out drinking and spending the night with “a friend” whom she has “sooo much in common” with. I didn’t see it. I couldn’t see it. Even when she shaved her chacha and didn’t come home, I just couldn’t imagine that she, the woman who loved me dearly for 18 years, could just .. not love me anymore, and leave .. just like that.
She was hurt. Of course she was hurt. I cheated. Yeah, it was an attempt to have a baby, but it was also with a boy that I hadn’t been able to let go of in the way I should have years and years ago. Why didn’t we talk about it? Because she took me to bed, instead. Said that we had a unique understanding about the grey areas of love, and we’d get through it. But I see now that she was plotting for months. She didn’t leave suddenly, her goodbye was the end of her mourning, and the beginning of mine. Letting go is something she excels at, and, ironically, something that I just can’t seem to conquer. My sentimental heart reaches out for people who used to be friends. May the bridges I burn light the way! I don’t even like these people: K, D (haha), G, even L, Ms. “Where’s J?!” before she could bother to say hello to me … if these are the people I lose, so be it! Why yearn for their acceptance and “friendship”? I don’t need them. I don’t.